Dear Eric: My husband and I have been together for almost 25 years, married for 15. We have two children, ages 8 and 12. I can’t say our marriage was good or easy, or that staying together was wise; I could write a litany of challenges.

I’ve always struggled with the lack of work balance in our relationship. For two decades, I was the one doing the heavy lifting: dinner, dishes, school paperwork, doctor’s appointments, holidays, decorating the house. Our 8-year-old was born prematurely, and that added a few years of weekly specialist visits, ordering supplies, hospital stays, and the like. That was my responsibility, too. It was hard.

I greatly value the opportunity to find joy in the special moments I have been able to create, as well as in my own successful career.

Last month, during an argument, my husband yelled at me that “all I do is cook dinner.” I’m devastated and don’t know what to do. Aside from the fact that cooking dinner most nights for the past 20 years has been work, I feel like every vacation I’ve planned, every gift I’ve wrapped, every wall I’ve painted has been a waste of time.

Who am I if all of these things were nothing? I was already on the fence about whether to stay in this relationship or leave, but now my basic self-esteem is so shaken and I feel so ashamed that I devoted my entire adult life to something so meaningless. What do I do?

– Invisible work

Dear Employees! I am so sorry. Your husband is wrong and I know you know it. It is time to change something for your own health and the health of your children.

You can give your husband a list of things you do, you can go on strike, you can discuss it in couples therapy, but at the end of the day is he a person who values ​​you? You deserve to be valued. The work you do to make your life better and the lives of your children shows that you value yourself. That value is what matters, not his unconscious insults.

He wasted 20 years not seeing you, but do you really think doctor visits, homework sessions, or holiday decorations were a waste of time? Your kids certainly didn’t. What you did mattered.

However, without some intervention – whether counseling or separation – I fear they will be influenced by his negativity and perhaps even adopt his warped view of labor and even of you. See a therapist on your own, if it is within your means, to sort out your feelings of shame. This will also help you gain clarity about what kind of future you want for your relationship, if any.